Hello everyone, the first public
entry I've had in a while.
Today, has been a big transition day for me. A boy decided it would be funny to try and knock me over this morning, no, I didn't fight back. The usual. Today is also my late grandmother's birthday. Among other things, however, today is also important for a much bigger reason.
Ever since I was six, seven, eight, I've found myself being more comfortable with the more masculine things, as a boy. I would always pick male roles in my games, at least, the ones in my head, all things considering. I would always beg my grandmother to let me wear boys clothes, because I liked them much better, and felt more comfortable in them. I never felt right in dresses, which probably displeased her. I didn't parade femininity, nor did I ever accept it as really being me. Rejected the dresses, wore jeans, overalls, t-shirts. I would rather dig holes and catch snakes than play dress up or have tea parties. Obviously.
Then, I moved, and Daddy's Little girl became disillusioned. Then, around nine, I found my liking for girls. Fear of men leads to withdrawal, until that is, you can figure out who you are. Yes, nine. I started young, and I started young for a reason. That wasn't really my decision, but I'm not going into that any further. I still liked men, after a while, but strictly feminine men, something that's branched out a little, but hasn't changed the way I look at it.
That's one of the reasons why I've always hated eye contact. Eye contact means that you can let someone in, that you trust them with who you are, because when they meet my eyes, they can see me, and I can see them, and I fear what they see. Not necessarily that they'll see, but that, through them, I'll see me as well. Ironically, since I fear them so much, this led to my obsession with them. That branched off into expressing who I really am. If there is a way to be obsessively yourself, I meet the criteria.
Moving on, due to these feelings, more childhood things that I don't feel comfortable going into, today was my first day on testosterone. Two different types of pills (One testosterone, two supplements). My friends on here may have noticed that I've joined a couple ftm (female to male) groups here on Livejournal. I'm going to start talking about this a lot more, and I plan on starting a log on Youtube. It's part of my attempt to create my own support group.
Due to this, all invited friends, family, teachers, etc. if you're interested in being a part of my little online support group (considering I don't really have on in personal life much outside of school), create an account (if you don't already have one, it's free), comment this, and I'll add you. We work from there. Hoping to have the Youtube going soon. I'm not sure how often I'll update, it depends on whether or not I have anything to say regarding the changes, or experiences related to it.
Thank you for your time.
Tags: ftm, public, update
Place of Death: Newport Beach, CA
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Marilyn Manson - Born Again