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Do You or Don't You Want This to be Your Song?
Hello everyone, the first public entry I've had in a while.
Today, has been a big transition day for me. A boy decided it would be funny to try and knock me over this morning, no, I didn't fight back. The usual. Today is also my late grandmother's birthday. Among other things, however, today is also important for a much bigger reason.
Ever since I was six, seven, eight, I've found myself being more comfortable with the more masculine things, as a boy. I would always pick male roles in my games, at least, the ones in my head, all things considering. I would always beg my grandmother to let me wear boys clothes, because I liked them much better, and felt more comfortable in them. I never felt right in dresses, which probably displeased her. I didn't parade femininity, nor did I ever accept it as really being me. Rejected the dresses, wore jeans, overalls, t-shirts. I would rather dig holes and catch snakes than play dress up or have tea parties. Obviously.
Then, I moved, and Daddy's Little girl became disillusioned. Then, around nine, I found my liking for girls. Fear of men leads to withdrawal, until that is, you can figure out who you are. Yes, nine. I started young, and I started young for a reason. That wasn't really my decision, but I'm not going into that any further. I still liked men, after a while, but strictly feminine men, something that's branched out a little, but hasn't changed the way I look at it.
That's one of the reasons why I've always hated eye contact. Eye contact means that you can let someone in, that you trust them with who you are, because when they meet my eyes, they can see me, and I can see them, and I fear what they see. Not necessarily that they'll see, but that, through them, I'll see me as well. Ironically, since I fear them so much, this led to my obsession with them. That branched off into expressing who I really am. If there is a way to be obsessively yourself, I meet the criteria.
Moving on, due to these feelings, more childhood things that I don't feel comfortable going into, today was my first day on testosterone. Two different types of pills (One testosterone, two supplements). My friends on here may have noticed that I've joined a couple ftm (female to male) groups here on Livejournal. I'm going to start talking about this a lot more, and I plan on starting a log on Youtube. It's part of my attempt to create my own support group.
Due to this, all invited friends, family, teachers, etc. if you're interested in being a part of my little online support group (considering I don't really have on in personal life much outside of school), create an account (if you don't already have one, it's free), comment this, and I'll add you. We work from there. Hoping to have the Youtube going soon. I'm not sure how often I'll update, it depends on whether or not I have anything to say regarding the changes, or experiences related to it.
Thank you for your time.

Tags: , ,
Place of Death: Newport Beach, CA
Current Mood: excited excited
Current Music: Marilyn Manson - Born Again

12 comments or Leave a comment
blood_ecstasy From: blood_ecstasy Date: June 2nd, 2010 08:20 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm happy for you babe. I know you've been wanting this for forever. And I'm glad you get to do it now. :)
selenexripper From: selenexripper Date: June 7th, 2010 12:36 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you very much, you and all your awesomeness. Thank you for your never-ending support, I really appreciate it :).

*Eternal loves :).* -Ω-
minivempxxx From: minivempxxx Date: June 2nd, 2010 10:33 am (UTC) (Link)
Congratulations, it takes a lot of courage to be who you want to be.
I'm chuffed for you =)
selenexripper From: selenexripper Date: June 7th, 2010 12:37 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, I hope it all goes well. So far there's progress, which makes for a happy me.

twistednymph From: twistednymph Date: June 2nd, 2010 07:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
Not that I really know you, but I didn't see that coming. Wow! Best of luck to ya. It's a bold decision, but you do what you gotta do. We only live once.

I have another LJ friend who has been going through the same transition for quite a while now. If you like, I could give him your username.
selenexripper From: selenexripper Date: June 7th, 2010 12:39 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you :). Indeed we do, and it's important to be who we really are. I'd rather not have the life than spend it living a lie as to who I really am inside.
If he'd be interested in speaking with me and/or joining our merry little bunch, sure :).
dierdrae From: dierdrae Date: June 2nd, 2010 08:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wow.. so I had no idea, but I support you. *hugs*
selenexripper From: selenexripper Date: June 7th, 2010 12:40 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you so much. *Hugs.* Good to see you up and around here again a bit. I'm glad you had fun in Europe, and hope things go okay with your Pretty Place withdrawal.
From: schiese Date: June 3rd, 2010 10:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
The mistake was mine. If I could undo everything I would, but I can't. There were reasons. Someday you may understand.
selenexripper From: selenexripper Date: June 7th, 2010 12:44 am (UTC) (Link)
The way I look at it, everything happens for a reason. If the things that happened to me as a kid didn't happen, I wouldn't be me.
A word of advice, though: Never let the boy close the door.
xxchesirecatxx From: xxchesirecatxx Date: June 7th, 2010 03:45 am (UTC) (Link)


Wow. I'm very interested in how this turns out for you. I know I'm just an LJ friend, but I'm concerned for your well being. I hope that you can find additional psychological support in the form of a trained professional (i.e. psychologist) in this matter. Only they can help you understand the transition from male to female and what it means to you personally.

Like you, I faced a similar childhood. I never liked being a girl. I always told people I would grow up to be just like He-Man, the Ninja Turtles or Batman. Never Batgirl. In a Hispanic community, I was doomed from the start. I still get shit from men telling me "oh you're a girl, you don't understand." There was a time where I also questioned if making that transition was right for me and what it would mean. I know everyone is different, and you are not me. I am still a woman, because "FUCK YOU! I DON'T NEED A DICK TO HAVE BALLS!" I'm comfortable with who I am (and most of the men in my family go bald. no way I'd go on testosterone so that could happen =X) and I don't need to conform to a gender stereotype to make anyone happy.

I've known what you've been through. I mean, hey, I've been on your friends list for years at this point. I just want you to make sure it's the right decision for yourself. Get some proper counseling to rule out psychological gender disorders, and be happy. Man or woman, you're still you =)
mzxnightmare From: mzxnightmare Date: September 16th, 2010 10:34 pm (UTC) (Link)

Hey, I've decided to start using LJ again....

After I read your post. I think you are very brave. There were alot of times in my life that I wish I did what I felt was right other then what my parents wanted. I'm very happy to see someone who is not afraid to be themselves.
12 comments or Leave a comment